Creative Insulting

11-14 Age Group

During Saturday’s session, the 11-14-year-olds firstly looked into Tudor insults and developed these into a scripted argument piece. When coming up with insults to use the young writers stood in a circle and shouted them out to each other. Later on, in the session, they looked into Tudor treatments for illnesses such as jaundice and were asked to come up with a cure to a modern-day illness which they presented in the style of a Dragon’s Den pitch.

Here is one of the scripts from Saturday’s session that we would like to share:

A young boy runs on stage. He knocks over a basket of apples as he passes
Stall Holder: Oi! Come back here you droning dizzy-eyed codpiece! Come back here and fix your mess.
Boy: (Slowing down) I wouldn’t help you, never. Your customers are already bawdy gull-gorged foot-lickers and you know it.
Stall Holder: Now you just mind your manners! Stop being on impertinent, little hoo-har and get back here!
Boy: (Now running off stage) Nah! You can do it yourself, you goatish folly-fallen dewberry.
The boy picks up a stray apple and strolls off stage, leaving the annoyed stall older speechless.
Man: You let your stock run away now, Marcus? Wouldn’t have thought it of you.
Stall Holder: (Regaining speech) It’s not my fault he’s a bootless, beef-witted bugbear!
Man: Deserves a good beating that one. Still, can’t pretend what he said didn’t get to me, cheerio Marcus
Man Exits.
The stall holder leaves muttering something like ‘pig-bladder’ and ‘lost customers.’

15-18 Age Group, 8 Attending

Like the earlier Young Writers group, the 15-18 year olds began by creating their own Tudor insults from a worksheet, but instead of shouting them at each other, they 'insulted' Sophie and Susmita.

They then moved on to looking at Shakespeare's insults, and reading out their favourites, before creating a scene that incorporated some of their creative insults. The settings included a McDonald's kitchen, the streets of Romsey, The Globe theatre, and a garden centre. Here's a script from Hari that we would like to share:

Sales Person: Hello sir, is there anything at all that you’re looking for? Maybe some posies or roses for you, or maybe even a Christmas tree, going now for just £10?
Shopper: Umm, no thank you. I was just wondering if you had a loo I could nip into?
Sales Person: Well, sir, this is a garden centre – I rather think that the public toilets just across the street, would that suit you better?
Shopper: Oh, yes. I’m quite aware of them, but you see. I rather like the smell of garden centre toilets, they’re so much fresher and it’s awfully nice to have the smell of posies in one nostrils.
Sales Person: Well, if you insist sir, but I must first demand that you buy something to use our toilet.
Shopper: What? Buy something to use the toilet. What is this, the middle ages? Or perhaps one of those countries that you go to on holiday sometimes that always have a man waiting at the entrance for you to pay him to use the toilet and when you do give him the money you realise that he wasn’t even meant to be there?! No, you minnow, I will use your toilet free of charge.
Sales Person: Now this is quite absurd, you yeasty nut-hook. Its only 50p for a bag of birdseed.
Shopper: Why would I want bird seed, you mumbling knotty-patel scut? You think I’m the kind of person who has time to feed the birds – ooh ‘tuppence a bag?’ Damn you, ya tothing pottle-deep ratsbane.
Sales Person: Look, you reeky motley-minded miscreant, if you continue to cause a ruckus, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Shopper: Okay, you villainous onion-eyed maggot-pie, you win. Here’s your 50p, now give me the birdseed.
Shopper is given bird seed and then eats it.
Shopper: Now may use your toilet?
Sales Person: (Politely) Why of course sir, please this way.

We then had an impromptu sing-a-long of Horrible Histories' song of Henry VIII's 6 wives (from memory!). The Young Writers then split into four groups of two, each working on a verse about the life of one of Henry's wives. You can check out our new rendition, posted as the 'Terrible Tudors' highlight, over on our Instagram.

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Creative Insulting