IN A JAM

IN A JAM

/ indicates overlapping speech.

A&E department. Time of day indistinguishable through fluorescent lights and lack of windows. Sterile white walls with a myriad of health informatic posters. Floors that screech when walking. A strong smell of bleach and plastic. Dutiful rows of blue chairs. A vending machine stands off to the side.

Tobias, limbs tightly wound, is jabbing at the buttons with increasing force. Everyone in the room is pretending this isn't happening, then Hanzo enters.

HANZO

You alright?

TOBIAS

(forceful kneeing of machine)

What does it look like?

HANZO

You're going to break your kneecaps doing that. /

TOBIAS

Good.

(Beat)

HANZO

Oh-kay. Well, I was just wondering if you had a pen.

TOBIAS

Do you have eyes?

HANZO

Okay, I appreciate that was poor timing on my part-

TOBIAS

(violent gesturing)

You think? You could ask literally anyone else-

HANZO

But I need to fill out this form so if you could just tell me where to get one that'd be great.

TOBIAS

As you can see, I'm currently trying to dislodge a mars bar.

HANZO

I'm not asking you to be the A&E tour guide, just tell me where they are and I'll go.

TOBIAS

Ask reception.

HANZO

They gave me one that doesn't work. You must've been given one. Can't I just borrow it?

TOBIAS

(abruptly)

Do you have a gun?

HANZO

A what /

TOBIAS

A gun.

HANZO

(strained laughter)

I wish. But no.

(beat)

TOBIAS

Do these people have anything better to do?

(Bystanders sheepishly avert their gaze.)

HANZO

You think we're here for fun?

TOBIAS

You think I'm enjoying being here, performing the Heimlich on a vending machine?

HANZO

Just a thought, you could stop. Leave it.

TOBIAS

I've been here for three hours.

HANZO

Do you smoke?

TOBIAS

(Deadpan)

No.

(Beat)

HANZO

You'd think they'd put healthier stuff in these things seeing as it's a hospital wouldn't you

TOBIAS

You just offered me a cigarette.

(Beat.)

TOBIAS (CONT'D)

What is your problem with me wanting what I paid for?

HANZO

(resigned)

There isn't, I just think you should cool it-

TOBIAS

I just want the snickers, really, that's all I'm asking.

HANZO

Okay, well, in the spirit of the A&E, could you at least try a different, less injurous method, like your…

TOBIAS

Cane. It's not a dirty word.

HANZO

Your cane then.

(beat)

HANZO (CONT'D)

You're achieving nothing but a massive bruise, that's all I'm saying.

TOBIAS

You know, how about you try it, if you think you're the vending machine Houdini-

HANZO

Right, I didn't mean that-

TOBIAS

(Steps aside)

Go on.

HANZO

Fine.

(Hanzo rattles the machine. Mars bar falls unceremoniously.)

HANZO (CONT'D)

And I didn't have to break my kneecaps.

TOBIAS

Unbelievable.

HANZO

I accept payment in mars bars.

TOBIAS

Don't push your luck.

HANZO

Or a pen.

Bio:

Eden is a trans and neurodiverse writerpoet from Poole. They are a recent Biomedical Science graduate from the University of Portsmouth. When not writing, they like walking, board gaming, and trying to read multiple books at once-ing. Previously, they have been published by Ambit and Young Poets Network.

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IN A JAM